I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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