I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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