I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
