new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
