I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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