I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
