We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
