I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
