every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
