I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
