I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
