I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
