My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
