I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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