Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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