I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
