Cold hands, warm shart.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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