I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
