Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
