WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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