the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
