Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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