I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
