honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
