You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
