WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
