shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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