all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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