John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
