btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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