Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
