i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
