i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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