I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
