so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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