i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
