Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
