woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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