I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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