My friends, they love my intelligence
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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