The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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