and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
