if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
