Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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