I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
