I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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