I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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