Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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