i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
did i walk over a car last night?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
