I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
