I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
